When you see me on the sofa, all curled up in a ball,
With my bear and unicorn, you may think I’m doing nothing at all.
Under a pile of blankets, eyes closed to shut out the world,
Motionless, you might think I’m asleep or resting.
But when I’m in this state, you see, I’m most active of all.
I’m fighting internal battles within my ongoing raging war.
Of recovery and healing vs self-destruction and hate,
Fighting urges, holding back takes greater self- restraint,
Than any endeavour I could undertake with body and brain.
Comforting inner children as they tell me of their pain,
Is excruciating and exhausting, right now they won’t let me sleep.
And fighting my own self-judgement, remembering I’m strong, not weak.
So when you see me in this way, know that I’m not still at all,
In fact I’m doing the hardest work I’ve ever done, and more.
© Katy Matilda Neo 2017