Here I show a slightly older self, dancing with abandon, on the head of a pin. She represents my challenging of my fears that “recovery” meant losing myself. That without the chaos and the destruction, I would lose my excitement, my fun, my spontaneity and creativity.
Dancing, spinning wildly, on the head of a pin, represented my newfound understanding that none of my essence had to be lost, imprisoned, destroyed, suppressed. But that instead, I would learn to be that, most exciting, most “real” self. The one who scared me, and everyone else, because she had no limits, no bounds, no sense of safety and no regard for her own life or wellbeing. I realised that day, that, although I did not know how to do it, I could grow myself some safe boundaries. I could learn to contain my own whirlwind. And then I could embrace myself for who I was without that being an imminently dangerous thing for me.