Do You See What I See?

I never have…

This week I experienced a major relapse. It’s reflected in my last two drawings, the last one in particular, and I’ve written a bit more about it here and here. But I’m trying to process what happened, I returned to my “healthy” obsession/compulsion – at least it keeps me in one seat and one piece.

So I drew to try to make sense of what happened, and the first piece to come out of the post-relapse reflection (hopefully beginning of recovery plateau) is, I think, significant in trying to understand one of my biggest relapse triggers, and definitely one that factored in majorly this time.

It’s tough to keep going when you can’t see the goal. When you don’t really know how to envision what you are travelling towards and so when you don’t know whether the “end” is just round the corner or whether you’ll have to keep on fighting this hard, blindly, in the dark, forever. And you rely on the word of others. On their promise that there’s something over the horizon. On trust. Trusting that they know where you are going, because they can see in the dark, but you will always have to wait for sunrise. Not even knowing whether it’s coming or what sunrise actually is. Or if it’s safe to trust. Trust is fragile and slippery, and easily shaken.

Art Journal Sketch Series. Watercolour Pencil on Paper.© Katy Matilda Neo 2018